ARE YOU REALLY GONE?
Sometimes I ask myself, have i really gotten over you? Or did I just push you to the deepest corner of my mind where i pushed the things that hurt me the deepest. Was I living in denial all these while that I’m over you when I’m actually running away from the fact that I didn’t. The thought of you still bring tears to my eyes and the cringe to my heart. That was how much you’ve affected me. That was how much I love you to the point where I still think of you till now. Sometimes I wonder if you were ever the one that got away. And I wonder if you ever thought of me the way I do for you. Honestly i highly doubt it and soon I’ll just forget this thought ever happens and I’ll just move on with my life again. Then I’ll just wait for it to trigger me again. I want to cry but I can’t. No one can know that I still feel this way. How long have it been? A year? Or probably even more. I’m lost when ever the thought of you trigger back into me. I do not want you back neither do i want to ever start thinking of you again. Cos the pain is really unbearable and I can’t seem to brush it off for good. It keeps coming back and I’m trying to find the fucking reason why. Maybe somewhere deep in i still love you cos they say you can never really un-love a person once you’ve fallen for them. But am I the only fucking on that actually goes through this? Am i living in denial that I am actually over you? Its been so long, so there isn’t any reason why I should be feeling any of this. Still till now i want to bump into you, I want to know how you’re doing and secretly wish to text you or receive a text from you just for you to ask me how am i doing. You seem happier with her and I’m happy for you truly I am. But I’m jealous, cos that girl in your arms was once my place. I was the girl in your arms I was the girl you say i love you to. But I guess we weren’t meant to be at all. From the start till the end. We were just meant to cross paths and move on. We weren’t meant to stay in each another’s lives. I should really let you go, for good. So that the thought of you and what we could be will never return again. I hate it when ever it does. So I don’t know how to accept it cos I keep telling myself that i did, but it ends up that I was just pushing it away all these while. I do not know how to push it away. Here I am telling people that they need to accept what has or had happen for them to truly be happy. But I’m not doing the same for myself. There are alot of things that I decide to hide it away, but in my perception i chose to ignore it till it disappears. But the truth is, it never really disappear. It will stay at the darkest corner of your mind and it will just haunt you again and again until you start to breakdown and wonder why this is happening. Then you start to question yourself. I guess this is us, this is human. I’m guessing all humans go through that. Its just a matter if they would want to admit that they are weak afterall or just put up the strong front till the day the break.